March 14, 2002
From the coat pocket of Jacques:
Greetings girl and/or sexually mature older woman,
I am most likely handing this note to you in order to diffuse the
awkwardness of the moment. This note was designed as a precautionary
measure in the event that I attempt an amorous advance upon a member
of the female persuasion, yet fumble and foul it up.
Unless, of course, someone found this note picking my pockets in
which case (if youre a girl... or a very handsome
guy) my e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org
and Im an Aquarius.
What follows are a list of sexual enticement (or pickup)
lines I would most likely have attempted to pretend to compose in
the passionate heat of the moment. Chances are I was attempting
a variation on one or the other with you. Perhaps improvised in
multiple combination for maximum sexual effect.
Currently, the lines presented are on heavy rotation for the winter
Hey baby, I hope the government doesnt file an antitrust
lawsuit against you because it seems to me that youve cornered
the market on sexy. [The word beautiful
may have been substituted for the word sexy upon
a more studious gauging of the situation.]
Youre the female equivalent of the Parthenon, an edifice
of beauty... [To which may be added, if deemed appropriate that
had the shit blown out of it by the Turks in 1687 when they decided
to stuff you with gunpowder.] [An alternate possibility may
have included Youre the female equivalent of the Eiffel
tower, an edifice of sexy.]
If youre Greek, you must certainly be one of the 7
wonders of the Greek world... baby. If youre Greek, that is.
Rome wasnt built in a day, but that ass of yours...
[In the event that youre Adolf Hitlers granddaughter,
chances are I would have used the following:] The master race
never looked so good.
[In the event that youre Heinrich Himmlers granddaughter,
chances are I would have used the following:] Baby, youve
won over the Gestapo of my heart.
[In the event that I am uncertain as to whether or not your are
in fact Heinrich Himmlers granddaughter, chances are I would
have used the following:] Hey baby... are you Heinrich Himmlers
As you are reading this letter, I am no doubt attempting to look
down your blouse, or place a hand upon your butt so gradually that
you wouldnt even notice it. In the likely event that I am
to fumble or am too shy to do that, then at least be flattered in
knowing that I had at least attempted it. And know that I would
have acted all surprised and exclaimed whats that doing
there?! when youd realized it.
At least Im imagining my hand on your butt. Or imagining
someone elses hand on your butt and feeling jealous about
it. Unless Im simply too shy and embarrassed to imagine a
hand on your butt (which may, in fact, be the case).
But I simply ask you to keep this in mind: I have a hand, and you
have a butt.
A Treatise on Dating and Seduction
Psychologically, girls occasionally believe themselves in control
over their choice of potential mate. Recent studies Ive conducted
though seem to indicate some exceptions.
The problem with certain men is that they simply lack the confidence
of line delivery. While a girl might mistakenly convince
herself that she is in control of the situation with any given sampling
of the male sex pool, its the male with confidence who is
so easily able to woo her. A mans looks are actually of little
importance. All a man must do is continuously sling brilliantly
worded and exceptionally timed lines at them with perfectly confident
delivery. Perhaps take them off guard. And then, simply sweep them
off their feet. Under such circumstances, the entire pool of female
humans becomes vulnerable to the aforementioned examples of genetic
To use a video game analogy, it is as if the male sexual
genius is simply in possession of the cheat codes
to every womans heart. Ive seen as much happen. Perhaps
their male brilliance works in conjunction with a chemical
oil they secrete through the skin that draws women into its gooey
snare. Nevertheless, this power over women exists, and I have most
surely borne witness to it.
As I see it, it will only be a matter for adapting my perfectly
worded pickup scenarios with the brilliant comic timing of a vaudevillian
Most Convincing Reasons to Date
1) Hes lovable and cuddly, and he smells like peaches.
2) He has a doctorate*.
3) He has a hand, and you have a butt.
All pickup lines Copyright © 2002 Jacques.
Jacques himself is property of the Disney Corporation. No unauthorized
duplication is allowable without the express written permission
of the Disney Corporation and Donald (Fucking) Duck. (Thats
what you get for playing poker with experienced cartoon characters.
Donald Duck has a fake, hollow wooden leg you know. He uses it to
store cards and hooch, the bastard.)
*Jacques acquired his doctorate of meat and meat related studies
at Jacques University, a private institution.