Happy Holidays!

July 4, 2002

The 4th of July

The 4th of July is one of the most significant holidays recognized by the U.S.

It signifies our impertinence in the face of all odds. And, our impudence before a single face in particular.

It is a moment of spectacular triumph. July the fourth: when we rid the United States of the dreaded Cyclops by attacking it with fireworks, which startled the one-eyed beast. The Cyclops had put a tax on tea products and, for some reason, that really pissed us off.

And, for some reason, we apparently really liked tea. A lot. Enough to start a war with all one-eyed creatures everywhere that was only ended when Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Cyclopsis:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary to free oneself of Cycloptic behavior....

Which led to the Constitution:

We (the people) of a nation free of Cycloptic behavior....

[Some Laws go here]

Blah Blah Blah...

Each of us is surely endowed by their Creator with the inalienable right to live in a manner free of Cyclopes, and to engage in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, with two or more eyes. [or was that last bit in the Declaration of Cyclopsis?]

The Cyclops had been giving us a hard time ever since we’d dumped all that “tea” (or what we would call “marijuana” nowadays) into the Boston Harbor. That remains one of the fascinating mysteries of modern times though. If our forefathers loved tea so much, why didn’t they just steal it all? Why did they have to make the Boston Harbor so drinkably toxic and ganjarific? Those fish must have hit levels of perception we can’t even imagine before dying of extreme pizza and nougat deficiency.

In any case, that really pissed off the Cyclops.

But the Cyclops really crossed the line when it started demanding the right to levy superfluous tax and the right to quarter itself in our abodes. Would you want a Cyclops living in your house? Sleeping in your bed? Hell no! Not unless it had a damn good reason. And by damn good I mean damn good. If you think a cat can smell up a house you don’t want to know what a Cyclops can do; they’re used to living in caves; and their ass can’t even hope to cover a toilet seat.

That’s about when the Cyclops started throwing giant boulders at the American Indians (for some reason or another). But if you dressed up as sheep, you could slip by its fairly lax security protocols. Apparently, one big eye isn’t sufficient to distinguish a sheep from a guy. And, apparently, that giant eye lacks the depth of perception required to recognize that sheep don’t usually walk upright. And, apparently, the Cyclops is kind of dumb.

Anyhow, that’s how the America earned its freedom (if you don’t count South America and most of North America). Now if we could just get that bastard Poseidon off our backs.