July 4, 2002
The 4th of July
The 4th of July is one of the most significant holidays recognized
by the U.S.
It signifies our impertinence in the face of all odds. And, our
impudence before a single face in particular.
It is a moment of spectacular triumph. July the fourth: when we
rid the United States of the dreaded Cyclops by attacking it with
fireworks, which startled the one-eyed beast. The Cyclops had put
a tax on tea products and, for some reason, that really pissed us
And, for some reason, we apparently really liked tea. A lot. Enough
to start a war with all one-eyed creatures everywhere that was only
ended when Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Cyclopsis:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary to
free oneself of Cycloptic behavior....
Which led to the Constitution:
We (the people) of a nation free of Cycloptic behavior....
[Some Laws go here]
Blah Blah Blah...
Each of us is surely endowed by their Creator with the inalienable
right to live in a manner free of Cyclopes, and to engage in life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, with two or more eyes.
[or was that last bit in the Declaration of Cyclopsis?]
The Cyclops had been giving us a hard time ever since wed
dumped all that tea (or what we would call marijuana
nowadays) into the Boston Harbor. That remains one of the fascinating
mysteries of modern times though. If our forefathers loved tea so
much, why didnt they just steal it all? Why did they have
to make the Boston Harbor so drinkably toxic and ganjarific? Those
fish must have hit levels of perception we cant even imagine
before dying of extreme pizza and nougat deficiency.
In any case, that really pissed off the Cyclops.
But the Cyclops really crossed the line when it started demanding
the right to levy superfluous tax and the right to quarter itself
in our abodes. Would you want a Cyclops living in your house?
Sleeping in your bed? Hell no! Not unless it had a damn good
reason. And by damn good I mean damn good. If you think a
cat can smell up a house you dont want to know what a Cyclops
can do; theyre used to living in caves; and their ass cant
even hope to cover a toilet seat.
Thats about when the Cyclops started throwing giant boulders
at the American Indians (for some reason or another). But if you
dressed up as sheep, you could slip by its fairly lax security protocols.
Apparently, one big eye isnt sufficient to distinguish a sheep
from a guy. And, apparently, that giant eye lacks the depth of perception
required to recognize that sheep dont usually walk upright.
And, apparently, the Cyclops is kind of dumb.
Anyhow, thats how the America earned its freedom (if you
dont count South America and most of North America). Now if
we could just get that bastard Poseidon off our backs.