The Familiar Face of Daytimes
After the recent whirlwind of media speculation regarding an offer
that would have had former President Bill Clinton the 3rd hosting
his own talkshow, and its subsequent deflation, the public has found
itself reeling with disappointment, and the networks have discovered
an unfashionable gap in their morning lineup. What could possibly
generate as much talk and live up to those expectations?
Well, it took some time, but the answer was quite obvious. Who
better to fill that gap than the Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler? In:
Daytime with Hitler
Hitler in the Morning
Light Chat with the Fuehrer
And now, with Oprahs Book Club gone, nothing remains to stand
in his way (except for the fact that hes dead).
Hitlers Book Club
This month, Ursula Hegis The Master Triumph tops Hitlers
list. The story of a young goat herder who rises through the ranks
to become Europes most feared goat herder.
Last month, Hitlers pick was Toni Morrisons Triumph
of Urbiderzang, the story of a young butchers apprentice
who rises through the ranks to become Europes most feared
And, not to be overlooked, Toni Morrisons The Bluest Eye,
the story of a young black girl who desires nothing more than to
be loved in a world ruled by little white girls. Hitler calls it
Deciding, for once, to use the technology of cloning for the purposes
of good rather than evil, scientists are just weeks away from generating
their very own Hitler fetus. The show is expected to premiere in
the Fall 2043 lineup (barring unforeseen contract snafus and possible
attempts to take over the world).
Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: Its a pleasure to be
Hitler 2: Do not touch me black man.
Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: My new movie stars a wonderful
cast of versatile computer actors.
Hitler 2: What is it like being inferior?
Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: Well, I was nominated for
Hitler 2: Why do you ruin our economy? The mark is worth
Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: Well hey, thats the
Hitler 2: Hail the mark! It is our grand unit of currency.
Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: I hear you there baby.
Hitler 2: You die now!
It is hoped that the Fuehrer will be able to reach that key fascist/racist/anti-Semite/lunatic
demographic very few shows have had much luck harnessing in the
past (with the exception of such successes as ALF and Charles
in Charge). By the 2043 fall season, scientists also hope to
provide the Hitler of the future with a few additional improvements
such as X-ray vision, the ability to fly, an innate understanding
of nuclear technology, and invulnerability. This will all be accompanied
by an intensive program of propaganda in order to ensure a healthy,
festering hatred of democratic society. One other catch: when he
has a bit too much to drink, he can only speak and understand Yiddish.
In the meantime, scientists can only fiddle with Hitlers
DNA as the world holds its breath for the realization of decent
daytime entertainment. The investment is substantial but, as with
filming all three Lord of the Rings movies at once, it is
expected to pay off.
Until that time, a cardboard cutout of Mussolini will stand in
as the Fuehrer for promotional spots and advertising purposes.