Universal Oddities


The Familiar Face of Daytime’s New Wunderkind

After the recent whirlwind of media speculation regarding an offer that would have had former President Bill Clinton the 3rd hosting his own talkshow, and its subsequent deflation, the public has found itself reeling with disappointment, and the networks have discovered an unfashionable gap in their morning lineup. What could possibly generate as much talk and live up to those expectations?

Well, it took some time, but the answer was quite obvious. Who better to fill that gap than the Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler? In:

Daytime with Hitler
Hitler in the Morning
Light Chat with the Fuehrer

And now, with Oprah’s Book Club gone, nothing remains to stand in his way (except for the fact that he’s dead).

Hitler’s Book Club

This month, Ursula Hegi’s The Master Triumph tops Hitler’s list. The story of a young goat herder who rises through the ranks to become Europe’s most feared goat herder.

Last month, Hitler’s pick was Toni Morrison’s Triumph of Urbiderzang, the story of a young butcher’s apprentice who rises through the ranks to become Europe’s most feared butcher’s apprentice.

And, not to be overlooked, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, the story of a young black girl who desires nothing more than to be loved in a world ruled by little white girls. Hitler calls it “masterful”.

Deciding, for once, to use the technology of cloning for the purposes of good rather than evil, scientists are just weeks away from generating their very own Hitler fetus. The show is expected to premiere in the Fall 2043 lineup (barring unforeseen contract snafus and possible attempts to take over the world).

Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: It’s a pleasure to be here Hitler.

Hitler 2: Do not touch me black man.

Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: My new movie stars a wonderful cast of versatile computer actors.

Hitler 2: What is it like being inferior?

Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: Well, I was nominated for an Oscar.

Hitler 2: Why do you ruin our economy? The mark is worth nothing.

Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: Well hey, that’s the Jews’ fault.

Hitler 2: Hail the mark! It is our grand unit of currency.

Robot Samuel L. Jackson 2043: I hear you there baby.

Hitler 2: You die now!

It is hoped that the Fuehrer will be able to reach that key fascist/racist/anti-Semite/lunatic demographic very few shows have had much luck harnessing in the past (with the exception of such successes as ALF and Charles in Charge). By the 2043 fall season, scientists also hope to provide the Hitler of the future with a few additional improvements such as X-ray vision, the ability to fly, an innate understanding of nuclear technology, and invulnerability. This will all be accompanied by an intensive program of propaganda in order to ensure a healthy, festering hatred of democratic society. One other catch: when he has a bit too much to drink, he can only speak and understand Yiddish.

In the meantime, scientists can only fiddle with Hitler’s DNA as the world holds its breath for the realization of decent daytime entertainment. The investment is substantial but, as with filming all three Lord of the Rings movies at once, it is expected to pay off.

Until that time, a cardboard cutout of Mussolini will stand in as the Fuehrer for promotional spots and advertising purposes.




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.