Universal Oddities
April 11, 2002


The Romancing of Inbal

Again, I was searching the Internet.

Searching and sifting through billions of pages. The Internet: a home to online Mexican pharmacies, tour dates for a troupe of dancing monkeys, a fan site devoted to a rare form of flesh-eating bacteria, a book on how to make explosive pudding, and various incarnations of medical misinformation.

Not that I’ve stumbled across these sites myself. I’m just certain that they exist.

And I was simply searching. Little did I realize that I was searching for something. Not until I found it, that is.

I was searching for something that has been searched for throughout time and space. At every nook and corner of the universe. Always elusive; ever hidden. I was searching for that grandest of all things.

I was searching for love.

And I found it in the form of a Jewish singles website.

Having experimented with various other singles websites such a Christian singles website, a fascist singles website, and a website for married people who swap spouses, the feeling I received from this particular singles website was altogether different.

And unlike that Unitarian singles website, I had some idea of what I was in for.

Unitarians and their all-purpose religion. Unitarians; like those people in elementary school who could never quite decide what position they wanted to try out for in baseball and always got stuck on the bench next to that smelly foreign kid named Stephan Olbrich. No matter what disposition one maintains (Christian, Muslim, Jewish, atheist...), it’s fairly obvious that Unitarianism is the wrong religion.

And it was browsing this Jewish singles website that I stumbled across Inbal.

Inbal, with her wondrous, brown eyes, delicately encompassed by playful lashes. Inbal, her pouting lips and soft, flowing chestnut hair which gave off an aroma of raspberries and thyme. Inbal, so mystical in her beauty that it was fairly obvious she didn’t even exist and must have been a computer generated image meant to lure unsuspecting men into paying for an upgrade to full membership status on the Jewish singles website.

Darn, Inbal isn’t hiding behind this picture.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this girl!

Inbal. The sound of which seems to replicate the experience of one’s tongue tripping all about their mouth in the passionate dance of linguistics. The name itself lovingly crafted in Hebrew.

Hebrew, the language of one’s lover clearing their throat... but clearing their throat in a very romantic fashion.

Nevertheless, it was the sensitivity of her personal profile that drew me to her. For instance, she claims to have studied law and it occurred to me that we would be a perfectly complementary match. Considering the numerous legal actions currently pending in 51 states (twice in Arkansas for some reason) and 46 countries, such romantic representation would surely benefit us both, except for her. And if I moved to where she lives, I’m sure they’d follow me.

It was certainly love!

From that moment I encountered Inbal, I knew I had been attracted to this website with a purpose, and that I was meant to contact her.

Yet, in order to send Inbal a message, it was required that I register with the Jewish singles website, set up a dating personality, and fill in all manner of biographical information...

Headline: I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. No ugly moisture vaporators!!!

I’m Germanicus. An 80-year-old, widowed male living in Hobbiton, Iraq. I have 4 or more children. I have no children.

I was born in Togo.

I have completed some preschool, and I am an avid student of archeology.
Currently, my occupation is mother.

My looks are securely below average. I am above 7'0'' tall, and my physical build is petite. I’m completely bald, with bright blue eyes, and silver hair.

People claim that I resemble: a tall, tall petite cantaloupe.

I never smoke and I constantly drink.

As for characteristics, I’m cynical, high maintenance, idealistic, low maintenance, and sensual.
My favorite foods are Middle-Eastern.
My favorite types of movies are artsy/independent/children’s flicks.
My favorite movies are The Howling 5, Tajikistan versus Predator, and Blade Runner (not the atrocious Blade Runner versus Predator version).
My favorite performer is a little dog named Wishbone who travels through space and time by the power of his imagination.

As for books, I like cuddling up with a good romance novel. Or pornography adult literature.

My favorite books are Laddy Chatterly's Lover (the Wishbone version); and I read Jacques's articles at UniversalOddities.com.

At home, I enjoy drinking, sewing, and surfing the web.

I enjoy picnics.

I would describe myself as:
A loving Iraqi nationalist looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and humorous Jewish girl. I keep kosher to some degree.

Likes: People who are Inbal.

Dislikes: People who are not Inbal.

If I could change anything about myself, it would be this:
I would dub myself Sir Hermann P. Fizzmeir. I would also read Jacques's articles on the humor site UniversalOddities.com and send him mail. He loves to get mail. Trees are so lovely.

I’m looking for someone who possesses the following traits:
DEFINITELY someone who enjoys driving around, solving mysteries, and having zany adventures on a weekly basis.

What makes a good relationship?
John Gray, Ph.D. had some insightful things to say on this topic. He explained that, fundamentally, all women are insane and their power must be harnessed for use in environmentally friendly power generators. I disagree and believe they should be put to work in puppy mills, because they are our better half.

Hastily, I sent a letter out to my soul mate, anxious for a response.

Hello Inbal, I am looking for someone to share my passion for solving mysteries, and I see that you listed passion in your bio. I would also be amenable to having adventures in outer space. But my spaceship is currently grounded... and paper. Write back and we can discuss our other similarities!

And I waited...

To Be Continued...




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.