Behind Lawyers

July 25, 2002

Behind Lawyers
An examination of those books lawyers keep behind them
(which aren’t always actually behind them, but usually somewhere in the vicinity)

Why do lawyers keeps so many books on those shelves behind them? What could possibly fill all of those pages? Lawyers would have you believe that they’re in fact reference books of pertinent value, discussing laws, past cases, rulings, and various legal issues. In order to ascertain the true nature of these books and their content, I conducted an extensive study of law offices in the area.

I prepared my “cover story” and, with it, proceeded into a series of law firms. I was “looking” for someone to represent me in a case of “medical malpractice”. While I was waiting for a doctor to come and “examine” me, I was suddenly attacked (accosted, molested, etc...) by a shark in his office. After an extended battle, I was able to fight off the shark, but not before suffering severe emotional trauma and botulism.

I explained the predicament to each lawyer until they had to go to the bathroom, and then took the opportunity to rifle through their personal belongings.

For the most part, the books the lawyers kept on those shelves behind them were from the “Behind Lawyers” book series.

Book to Keep Behind You if You’re a Lawyer

Inside cover: An exciting book to keep behind you if you’re a lawyer. Full of pages. Clients will think you have access to pages of information! Jeremiah Phischer of the Oakland Post Gazette says “A brilliantly thought provoking montage of genius and irreverence.”

How to Time Travel if You’re a Lawyer

Inside cover: The guide to traveling through space and time, Lawyers Edition. If time travel is ever perfected, this book will prove an invaluable resource for all manner of legal professionals. Learn how to avoid tampering with things in the past and causing a possible ripple in the space-time continuum.

How to Build a Robot if You’re a Lawyer

Inside cover: Finally, the ultimate, comprehensive book detailing the process of building your own robot, if you’re a lawyer. Lawyers will have hours of fun building robots and watching them destroy major cities.

One book had an 18th century musket slipped into a hollowed out compartment in its pages. In one lawyer’s desk, the following topics were apparently recorded on a notepad during a recent firm meeting: pipe, Scotland, candlestick, and bread. The lawyers normally returned from the bathroom just as I was rummaging through their desks. I didn’t want them to think I was trying to invade their privacy, so I just told them I was looking for things to steal. I also explained that I was an undercover judge.

In any case, look for these other exciting essays on law and the legal system as this special series “Privacy Invasions: Invasions of Privacy” continues:

-The difficulties inherent in workplace sex, noting concerns over sexual harassment and topology balanced against peer pressure. Furniture orientation and the juggling of workloads against deadlines to be discussed in relation as well.

-Are law firms inherently amusing? An in-depth analysis of lawyers which asks: who finds them amusing, why, and do the lawyers find themselves amusing to that same extent?

-Are clowns required to be funny at all times, even if on trial or serving on a jury? Even when they’re at home getting up and making their breakfast? Does it depend upon the application of makeup, or is that merely a superficial distinction to clowning? Can a clown make an effective lawyer?

-Can a man with multiple personality disorder have one of his personalities locked up so that it surfaces on Mondays and Wednesdays to do jail time while the other personality is released to commit crimes during the rest of the week because they locked up the wrong guy, but no one will believe the innocent one because his story is so “out there”? Can his other personality be stopped in any way? Philosophical dissertation to follow.