Universal Oddities
March 7, 2002

For far too long, Jacques has existed as a liability to Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. And now, for legal reasons, Jacques is proud to unveil his own new website! A singular place from which he may manage all manner of legal pursuits lodged against him.

Jacques is awaiting your complaints! Currently serving number: 753.

And as we all know, nothing succeeds much like a spin-off series. Spin-offs are frequently a representation of excellence. A skimming of the cream of the crop. Much like the sequel to Shakespeare’s Henry VI Part 3: Richard III. Or the sequel to Hitler’s Mein Kampf entitled Alfie Dubermier: Puppy Psychic. Or the sequel to James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake which was simply a bowl of sour oatmeal with flies buzzing around it.

Jacques hopes to proceed in this great tradition of demented genius. And you’d better believe that his articles will undoubtedly reflect this “spin-off magic”!

As such, expect more humor, more thrills, and more danger from Jacques in the future. Expect harrowing chase sequences down the winding, persepfluous roads of comedy. Expect action sequences that will take your breath away. Expect romantic interludes that have nothing at all to do with Jacques, most probably stolen from other works of literature and from heartwarming romantic comedies. Expect breathtaking dance sequences!

And expect the occasional guest appearance as G-d, our Lord Almighty, makes frequent cameos to rain down His harsh brand of justice upon the unpenitent nonbelievers.

G-d also plays numerous instruments including the fife and the electric guitar and pretty much every instrument ever invented (except the ukulele because He considers it to be “an unforgivingly bastardized version of the guitar, except when played by clowns or monkeys... or Chihuahuas, with feathered hats, in little clown suits”). G-d might also write the occasional guest article.

He also performs numerous vaudevillian skits with Jacques and, since He’s all-powerful G-d, they’re all funny, even the ones that you’d think are otherwise stupid, because He’s able to time His delivery.

Jacques: Now, as for people, if there’s a Lot in Sodom, a priest and nun in the Vatican, and Juan in Jerusalem---

G-d: None in the Vatican? If there’s a priest in the Vatican, then there must be at least one.

Jacques: No, Juan’s in Jerusalem.

G-d: There’s only one in Jerusalem and a priest in the Vatican? Are you sure? I thought there were a lot.

Jacques: No, Lot’s in Sodom.

G-d: How many are in Sodom?

Jacques: No, Many is in Nebraska.

G-d: That’s it, you’re going to hell.

Jacques: Oh, please, not hell!

G-d: I’ll think about it...

And so, things are set to be fine as long as Jacques can keep himself out of a Mexican prison. And the odds of that look vaguely promising.




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.