For far too long, Jacques has existed as a liability to Lance and Eskimo
Dot Com. And now, for legal reasons, Jacques is proud to unveil his own
new website! A singular place from which he may manage all manner of legal
pursuits lodged against him.
Jacques is awaiting your complaints! Currently serving number:
And as we all know, nothing succeeds much like a spin-off series. Spin-offs
are frequently a representation of excellence. A skimming of the cream
of the crop. Much like the sequel to Shakespeares Henry VI
Part 3: Richard III. Or the sequel to Hitlers Mein Kampf
entitled Alfie Dubermier: Puppy Psychic. Or the sequel to James
Joyces Finnegans Wake which was simply a bowl of sour
oatmeal with flies buzzing around it.
Jacques hopes to proceed in this great tradition of demented genius.
And youd better believe that his articles will undoubtedly reflect
this spin-off magic!
As such, expect more humor, more
thrills, and more danger from Jacques in
the future. Expect harrowing chase sequences down the winding, persepfluous
roads of comedy. Expect action sequences that will take your breath away.
Expect romantic interludes that have nothing at all to do with Jacques,
most probably stolen from other works of literature and from heartwarming
romantic comedies. Expect breathtaking dance sequences!
And expect the occasional guest appearance as G-d, our Lord Almighty,
makes frequent cameos to rain down His harsh brand of justice upon the
G-d also plays numerous instruments including the fife and the electric
guitar and pretty much every instrument ever invented (except the ukulele
because He considers it to be an unforgivingly bastardized version
of the guitar, except when played by clowns or monkeys... or Chihuahuas,
with feathered hats, in little clown suits). G-d might also write
the occasional guest article.
He also performs numerous vaudevillian skits with Jacques and, since
Hes all-powerful G-d, theyre all funny, even the ones that
youd think are otherwise stupid, because Hes able to time
Jacques: Now, as for people, if theres a Lot in Sodom, a
priest and nun in the Vatican, and Juan in Jerusalem---
G-d: None in the Vatican? If theres a priest in the Vatican,
then there must be at least one.
Jacques: No, Juans in Jerusalem.
G-d: Theres only one in Jerusalem and a priest in the Vatican?
Are you sure? I thought there were a lot.
Jacques: No, Lots in Sodom.
G-d: How many are in Sodom?
Jacques: No, Many is in Nebraska.
G-d: Thats it, youre going to hell.
Jacques: Oh, please, not hell!
G-d: Ill think about it...
And so, things are set to be fine as long as Jacques can keep himself
out of a Mexican prison. And the odds of that look vaguely promising.