July 11, 2002
The Business of Religion
I spent my weekend stalking Jehovahs Witnesses. I would wait
outside their door, ring the bell, and then ask for informational
pamphlets. Then, five minutes later, I would don a wig and ring
the bell again, asking for informational pamphlets. Then, five minutes
later, I would affix a mustache and ring the bell again, asking
for informational pamphlets. And I would do it while they were eating
And then, the next day, Id follow them around in a car and
when theyd stop to approach a house, Id get out of my
car and walk up to the door with them and pretend Im part
of the group and hand out the pamphlets Id picked up the previous
It was then that I realized something fantastic: Id be able
to compete with the Jehovahs Witnesses and beat them to heaven!
Not only that, but Id also be able to provide valuable capitalist
competition to ensure creativity and variety in the marketplace
of religion, and the emergence of a quality product.
Christian fundamentalists seem to bother some people, but I cant
understand why. I dont mind the fact that theyre praying
for me. Its better than blowing me up. Theyre just praying
for their misled brothers. Thats me!
I appreciate and respect the fact that people are praying for my
soul. For one thing, prayer can be very time consuming. Also, it
allows me to pray to other Gods just to cover all my bases while
theyve got my back from that angle. As I see it, Im
covered with Jesus, his Dad, Shiva, Vishnu, Allah, Baal, Zues, Apollo,
(not Mercury after that firecracker incident though), and Portnoy
Laroo. If Mercurys the real God, Im screwed beyond belief.
Currently, Im focusing on Odin and the holy spirit.
But, as far as business goes, Ive been going door to door,
selling people on the religion of Urnootzra.
The religion of Urnootzra dictates that only 33 people will be
saved, so theyd better act now. (I try to give the customers
as little time to think as possible; its a sales tactic).
My religion outweighs other religions in that I distribute it in
shares and its going to be listed on the NASDAQ so that shares of
my religion can be traded publicly.
Granted, I have been inflating the market price, and I have sold
more than 33 people on the religion; but when they start raking
in the spiritual rewards, they wont have time to condemn me;
theyll be too preoccupied reaping the benefits of salvation
And then when I convert to another religion in order to generate
additional income, Ill just tell everyone Im converting
to make room for those who already hold shares in the previous religion,
and then declare bankruptcy.