The Business of Religion

July 11, 2002

The Business of Religion

I spent my weekend stalking Jehovah’s Witnesses. I would wait outside their door, ring the bell, and then ask for informational pamphlets. Then, five minutes later, I would don a wig and ring the bell again, asking for informational pamphlets. Then, five minutes later, I would affix a mustache and ring the bell again, asking for informational pamphlets. And I would do it while they were eating dinner.

And then, the next day, I’d follow them around in a car and when they’d stop to approach a house, I’d get out of my car and walk up to the door with them and pretend I’m part of the group and hand out the pamphlets I’d picked up the previous day.

It was then that I realized something fantastic: I’d be able to compete with the Jehovah’s Witnesses and beat them to heaven! Not only that, but I’d also be able to provide valuable capitalist competition to ensure creativity and variety in the marketplace of religion, and the emergence of a quality product.

Christian fundamentalists seem to bother some people, but I can’t understand why. I don’t mind the fact that they’re praying for me. It’s better than blowing me up. They’re just praying for their “misled brothers”. That’s me!

I appreciate and respect the fact that people are praying for my soul. For one thing, prayer can be very time consuming. Also, it allows me to pray to other Gods just to cover all my bases while they’ve got my back from that angle. As I see it, I’m covered with Jesus, his Dad, Shiva, Vishnu, Allah, Baal, Zues, Apollo, (not Mercury after that firecracker incident though), and Portnoy Laroo. If Mercury’s the real God, I’m screwed beyond belief.

Currently, I’m focusing on Odin and the holy spirit.

But, as far as business goes, I’ve been going door to door, selling people on the religion of Urnootzra.

The religion of Urnootzra dictates that only 33 people will be saved, so they’d better act now. (I try to give the customers as little time to think as possible; it’s a sales tactic). My religion outweighs other religions in that I distribute it in shares and its going to be listed on the NASDAQ so that shares of my religion can be traded publicly.

Granted, I have been inflating the market price, and I have sold more than 33 people on the religion; but when they start raking in the spiritual rewards, they won’t have time to condemn me; they’ll be too preoccupied reaping the benefits of salvation to care.

And then when I convert to another religion in order to generate additional income, I’ll just tell everyone I’m converting to make room for those who already hold shares in the previous religion, and then declare bankruptcy.