Halloween Article?

November 7, 2002

The Halloween Article That Wasn’t

And now, the question that has been on everyone’s mind.

Why didn’t I write a Halloween article on Halloween? It might seem that Halloween would be the most opportune moment for my Halloween article, but instead I chose to ramble off some idiocy on violence and chess.

And so why didn’t I write a Halloween article on Halloween?

Because that’s precisely what the communists would have wanted. Promoting a holiday in which everyone goes around collecting their share of candy from the community. The next thing you know they’ll be entering into people’s houses and beating false confessions out of them for more candy, and I want no part of that.

Candy has, historically, been the focal point for numerous acts of violence, political struggles, and forms of oppression. As far back as biblical times, candy has been utilized extensively in determining the outcome of vicious power struggles.

For instance, Abraham’s argument with God over Sodom and Gomorra most certainly involved candy. It’s clearly stated in the bible that Sodom was the “candy capital” of the biblical world; most people just don’t realize this as a result of inaccurate translation. Why else would Abraham have dared challenge God? He didn’t give a damn about his father’s idol business or his own children’s lives. Sodom and Gomorra were delicious places in which to live. But the candy of Sodom and Gomorra was molesting its citizens with sugary aplomb and arrogance, and God would have no part in that.

The struggle between Agamemnon and Achilles was over one particularly delightful piece of butterscotch candy. A most devious piece of butterscotch candy that eventually led to Patrokolos’s demise and Achilles’s downfall. For dramatic purposes, Homer replaced the butterscotch candy with a woman in his “20th Anniversary Special Edition” of the Iliad; a move he later regretted..

Candy delighted and tantalized Nero. It was candy that enticed him to set fire to Rome while he fiddled and ate smores. The candy explained that it was the right thing to do; that his insurance would reimburse him.

That was, simply put, an outright lie. The insurance would NOT reimburse Nero. The candy lied to Nero. It was probably Snickers or Milky Way, or something from the Mars Corporation. Candy from the Mars Coporation lies incurably.

Only M&Ms have a particularly peculiar tendency toward indirectly inciting murderous situations. They enjoy violence, yet cannot bear to dirty their own hands with it. For them, the delight manifests itself in the manner of manipulation they practice. Much like the witches of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, the haggish M&Ms find themselves as detached participants, observing and commenting upon the situations in rhyming stanzas. Such as Hitler’s march into Poland. Or the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Or the fall of Saigon.

As far as Twix goes, they’re a pair of perverts I do not feel the need to comment upon any further.

Now, with ample proof of Halloween’s vile nature, how could I consider the perpetuation of such a diabolical holiday? A holiday during which evil is handed out door to door.

Except for that one house that handed out toothbrushes, the one house that handed out apples with razor blades in them, and that one house that had a giant bowl of pennies out front with a sign that said “take one”.

But one day they too must pass into oblivion, leaving a noble void, these gentle warriors, temporarily preserving the innocence of childhood.