Universal Oddities

April 25, 2002

The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Second

This article continues the Chronicles of Inbal series I have been recording with regard to my various attempts to win the heart of a young lady by the name of Inbal. You may examine the beginnings of my quest contained in the article The Romancing of Inbal - Part The First.

From the start, I’m going to go out on a chauvinistic limb here and explain right now that Inbal is my property, and I don’t want anyone else trying to contact her or “win her over”. That said, I suppose I should continue with my account.

Darn, Inbal isn’t hiding behind this picture.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this girl!

I soon realized that, for various reasons, my romantic biography, perhaps, needed some updating to be more successful. One clue to this fact was that the Jewish singles website kicked me off and erased my user profile.

Perhaps it was the blatantly contradictory information. Perhaps it was because I swiped some guy’s picture from somewhere else on the site, wrote “I kinda look like this, only uglier” on it, and used it as my personal image. Perhaps it was because I placed contact information in my bio, which they informed me not to do. Perhaps it was because I claimed to be an Iraqi nationalist. The list goes on.

But many of these reasons don’t seem applicable though. For instance, after reviewing the picture I submitted for my profile, the Jewish dating service actually okayed it and posted it a couple of days later.

And the people at the Jewish dating service are the ones who listed Iraq as a possible location for current habitation. So of course I’m going to choose it. It’s inevitable human nature. Statistically speaking, when faced with a problem set, the dumbest solution possible is obviously going to arise 99.99% of the time. In fact, I’ve discovered that when presented with a dilemma which requests an immediate response, the dumbest solution put forward by the dumbest person is inevitably and infallibly the one that fills in the gap. Regardless of any competing solutions offered, the most idiotic solution is always waiting on hand, to trounce past any hesitation for rational thought that may occur and offer itself up as the only course of possible action.

And if you do currently live in Iraq, you kind of have to be an Iraqi nationalist... or dead. But hey, if the Jewish dating service is doing business with a country that currently has sanctions imposed on it by the U.S. and is amassing a chemical, biological, and nuclear arsenal that threatens global stability, then who’s really at fault here.

Perhaps I’m not an Iraqi nationalist. Perhaps I just say that because I want people to like me; and I’m afraid they won’t accept me for who I really am: a moron.

In any case, the Jewish dating service chose to erase my profile. Who knows why people respond so immaturely to the truth? I suppose they would rather that I lie on my bio. So be it...

Or, perhaps I could just transform my very being and essence to conform to my dating profile. That, in itself, seems far easier to do. And more honest.

And this time, I resolved to consult with a mirror in order to confirm the color of my eyes and hair. No more guesswork. As such, I took it upon myself to replace my profile and reform certain information in my bio.

I’m Jacques. A 25-year-old Male, living in Dancy Bearville, New York.
I’m told that I resemble a dancing bear.

My favorite movies are: The one where that guy shot the other guy.

My favorite performers are a little dog named Wishbone who travels through space and time by the power of his imagination. Also, the Beatles.

My favorite books are The one where that guy died in the plane and then everybody went insane.

I would describe myself as:
A fuzzy, dancing bear on a little red ball looking for a caring, sensitive, humorous Jewish girl.

If I could change anything about myself, it would be this:
I would not be a bear anymore!!! I would also stop pooping on the floor.

I’m looking for someone who possesses the following traits:
DEFINITELY someone who enjoys solving mysteries, having adventures in outer space, and getting into zany predicaments on a weekly basis. Preferably named Inbal.

And now, to reconnect with Inbal This time, a more concerted effort. It would be sincerity I put forth.

Hi. I write for an Internet humor site and I was thinking of writing some articles on my misadventures with Jewish Internet romance. I was wondering if you'd mind my using you as a character in my articles. They would be a cataloguing of my various failed attempts (mostly fictional) to win your heart. Also, would you mind if I turned you into either an elf or a leprechaun for narrative purposes?

Amazingly, still no response. Perhaps I shouldn’t have pushed for that leprechaun thing. I was greedy and my fixation with leprechauns simply got the better of me. From then on, I agreed, I would be more conservative in my approach.

To Be Continued...




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