The Romancing of Inbal - Part
This article is a continuation of The Romancing
of Inbal - Part The First and The
Romancing of Inbal - Part The Second in which I pursue the affections
of the aforementioned Inbal.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this
I should explain that the dilemma inherent in attempting to woo
Inbal is, unfortunately, that (in communicating through the Jewish
singles website) I am limited to a maximum of 400 characters per
message that I send her. A challenge.
Atop this, other dilemmas also serve to complicate the matter.
For instance, the fact that Im a professional moron tends
to be very unhelpful. If I could change anything about myself, it
would be myself.
Also, yet another dilemma to be overcome is that 4 out of 5 Inbals
agree that Im an idiot. And I cant argue with statistics.
Especially statistics and research like that, conducted and gathered
under laboratory conditions with such a diverse sampling of prospective
Inbals, representing such a wide spectrum of Inbalic attitudes.
From now on, I should probably begin arranging surveys and focus
groups of Inbals, to get some feel for what Inbals want and how
best to approach them. I could just hang out behind that one-way
glass, take notes, and sigh.
Inbal: A man should be very sensitive.
Inbal: I agree. He should also treat a woman like shes
the only woman in the world.
Inbal: And he should buy her flowers to commemorate every
potential variation of anniversary. And then flowers for every anniversary
of his purchasing flowers for her. The purchasing of flowers can
be arranged in a simple mathematical formula structured around X
to the Nth power.
[The various Inbals begin to formulate theories on the metaphysics
of flower purchase and scribble certain mathematical notions regarding
such purchasing upon sheets of scrap paper.]
It all makes me realizes how truly little I know; and how truly
insignificant a place I hold in this universe.
So what the heck do I know about successful relationships?
If I knew anything about women, I probably wouldnt have
to kill so many such a hard time relating to them.
Perhaps, under different circumstances, I could have been her gay
best friend (and by gay I mean her pleasantly
homosexual friend). Unfortunately, these are not the circumstances.
Which is actually unfortunate from a purely statistical standpoint,
considering that (historically) homosexual men have shown more interest
in me than either heterosexual or homosexual women. In fact, homosexual
men are the only people who have ever shown interest in me
and interest in flirting with me. In truth, Id have far better
chances with men.
I had this haircut once that was just going on
forever and I was wondering why. I dont get haircuts very
often, but even I realized that something was up. I could certainly
have cut my hair with one of those vacuum cleaner hair-cutting devices
they used to promote on television in all of this time, and saved
money too, I reasoned to myself in the interim.
And the haircut guy was just going on and on, talking
and cutting my hair, and I was wondering what was up. First he went
on about a concert of soft rock the band Chicago was putting on
in the area. Then he asks me do you know what a butterfly
kiss is? and I was a bit too terrified to answer. Apparently,
its a pose children take up in childrens pageants, to
look cute for the judges. At least I think it is. I was really preoccupied
with being confused.
All this time, my hair was getting progressively shorter and shorter.
And then, there was that brilliant moment of confirmation. That
moment writers and playwrights dream of being able to get across
in their own scenes. That moment that is at once subtle yet uncompromisingly
haircutter: My. You have such beautiful, long eyelashes...
your girlfriend must love them...
[And then, an expectant pause.]
me:... yes... she does.
And with that the haircut immediately ended and I
was on my way. I mean, after an eternity, the blow-dryer came out
and that was that. Upon that period of finality I had uttered, I
was literally being shooed out the door. On the one hand, I was
slightly flattered at all that attention. On the other hand, I felt
a degree of sympathy for that haircut guy. He really had his heart
set on me. And he was pretty good looking. I seriously believe that
relationship could have succeeded if it hadnt been for that
ever so slight setback that Im very
And that I felt something at the time. A hesitation.
Somehow, I knew I was waiting for Inbal.
To Be Continued...