Universal Oddities
June 13, 2002

The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Fifth

The Romancing of Inbal - Part The First
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Second
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Third
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Fourth

Darn, Inbal isn’t hiding behind this picture.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this girl!

Letters to Inbal,

Now, I realized, the time had come to make a more concerted effort at winning the heart of Inbal. I would have to present my case directly to her. Being persistent and firm, yet gentle and understanding. A series of promotional messages would most readily get my qualities across while gradually convincing her heart that it had no choice but to love me.

Again, contacting Inbal poses a veritable dilemma in the limiting nature of the Jewish dating service, which does not allow any given message between e-sweethearts to exceed 400 characters.

This in mind, I was determined to set forth my case and proceed with my most noble of intentions. To win the heart and affections of Inbal! 400 characters at a time.

And so, it was a chess game of seduction. And with that first message, I realized the endgame for Inbal’s heart had been initiated...

Letters to Inbal:

Letter 1)

“The Romancing of Inbal”. This series will unfold in the fashion of those Road Runner cartoons where the Coyote keeps coming up with ideas and building devices to catch the Road Runner, but they always fail somehow and end up landing on his head or sending him over a cliff, or both. “Inbal” and “The Romancing of Inbal” are registered trademarks of Jacques Enterprises. All Rights Reserved.

Letter 2)

Episode 1. Dearest Inbal; fear not, for in this ongoing series (guaranteed by ACME to win your heart) you shall be the magical, breathtaking heroine in my quest to find a nice Jewish elf (or leprechaun). In following with the science of romance, I shall most likely serenade you in the fashion of a musical and forward you a copy of the libretto so you can practice for our duet sections.

[Jacques’s note to audience: Unfortunately, Inbal’s name doesn’t have enough syllables to truly merit successful serenading. It would have to be something like “Señorita Inbalique de la Mancha”. And, if I do indeed serenade her in such a tragic fashion, I may be required to die in the end; but I haven’t yet decided. Perhaps I’ll just go crazy and dance off into the sunset just as she falls in love with me. In any case, we’ll laugh about all of this when we’re married. Unless I go crazily dancing off into the sunset or die.]

Letter 3)

Episode 2. Dearest Inbal; it has occurred to me that a hindrance certainly presents itself in my quest to win your heart. Limited as I am by the Internet, there is no way in which I may shower you with flowers and pretty baubles. As such, I have decided to simply list some of the flowers I would most likely have been able to purchase for you, but didn’t: roses, lilies, daffodils, sunflowers...

Letter 4)

Episode 2 - Continued... violets, geraniums, cacti, gladioli, orchids, parsley, chrysanthemums, bouvardias, carnations, alstroemerias, azaleas, aloes, clovers, moss, fici, ferns, philodendrons, dieffenbachias, scheffleras, pterodactyls, leafy liverworts (Hepatophyta Jungermanniidae)... um... violets, tulips, catnip, and a little Teddy Bear named Stuart who would love you with all of his heart.

To Be Continued...




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.