Universal Oddities
June 27, 2002

The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Sixth

The Romancing of Inbal - Part The First
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Second
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Third
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Fourth
The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Fifth

Darn, Inbal isn’t hiding behind this picture.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this girl!

Letter 5)

Episode 3. Dearest Inbal; in order to produce romantic poetry in your native language, I have delved into the intricacies of Hebrew. Already I have prepared the beginnings of a Hebraic sonnet. The movie Raiders of the Lost Ark has proven an invaluable resource in my pursuit of the Hebrew language. Yet I’m suspicious that most of the sonnet is simply a phonetic regurgitation of the 10 commandments.

Letter 6)

Episode 4. Dearest Inbal; no doubt, I am faced with a degree of competition in pursuit of your affections. Yet I assert my inherent superiority to all other candidates hoping to woo you like a colorful fish to imported cheese. Do THEY have certificates attesting to the stability of their mental health? It took me 3 years to attain one, and they don’t just hand these things out on silver platters.

Letter 7)

Episode 5. Dearest Inbal; one of the dilemmas that undoubtedly poses itself is that we do not live in close proximity to one other, to say the least. In fact, if I left to pick you up for our date now, I probably wouldn’t drown until tomorrow afternoon. Nevertheless, the numerous factors which render this fear inconsequential are to be expounded upon in Episode 6. To Be Continued...

Letter 8)

Episode 6. Dearest Inbal; in the last episode, Episode 5, I addressed the issue of the vast distance separating us. Now, I can begin to formulate certain explanations which you shall find most convincing; explanations leading you to conclude that not only am I a viable candidate for your affections, but I am “the” candidate for your heart. Unfortunately, this will have to wait until Episode 7.

Letter 9)

Episode 7. Dearest Inbal; why must we fear such vast distances when all we need is our speculative love for one another? After a satisfactory period of e-courtship, we simply need apply for an Internet marriage license. As for progeny, I have a computer program that can easily morph our pictures to produce all manner of fascinating e-combinations.

Letter 10)

Episode 8. Dearest Inbal; I hope I’ve been able persuade you of the exciting possibilities of our e-union. Just imagine all the places we can go and things we can see and do together in this vast toilet of ones and zeroes that is the Internet. And from there, I envision us finding a comfy little homepage, settling down with a nice “Dot BIZ” Internet extension, and living happily ever after :)

Letter 11)

Acknowledgments: There are so many people who have made this series “The Romancing of Inbal” possible, but I will start by thanking Jeff Sparks, Ph.D. for his critical feedback and factual insight into Inbals in general, my agent Tim Roth, and, above all, my editor and friend Eddie Munro. Also, this series was made possible by a grant from the RELL Foundation for the Advancement of Snuggling.

Outtakes and Special Features not included in Letters to Inbal:

Episode 5 - Take 1
Episode 5. Dearest Inbal; one of the dimemas-- dimem-- dilemmas... I’m sorry, can I do that one again?

Episode 5 - Take 2
Episode 5. Dearest Inbal; one of the dimamas-- d-- stop it! He’s making me laugh... No, he’s making me laugh... I can’t do this...

Episode 6 - Take 1
Episode 6. Dearest Inbal; in the last episode, Episode... what was the last episode?... damn...

Episode 7 - Take 1
Episode 7. Dearest Inbal; why must we fear-- AHH!!! Aw... Crap!!! It’s my leg!... I think I broke my leg when I was typing out that last line... left leg... AH!!... Mother f---

Between Episode 7 and Episode 8
Hey, Jacques... I hope you’re gonna erase all this crap before someone reads it. Specifically Inbal. Make a note, erase all mess-ups. I don’t want her to think I’m a complete moron. Right? You got that? Make a note. You guarantee you’re going to remember to erase all this crap?... okay, good...

Behind the scenes of writing Letters to Inbal

A look behind the scenes of Letters to Inbal reveals a very focused Jacques.

Jacques: When I first approached Jacques with the idea of writing a series of letters to Inbal, he didn’t immediately latch onto it. I mean, at the time, he was considering either writing a series of Hebraic sonnets, or getting on the spinning wheel and crafting a porcelain dinner set for her. Finally, he told me his main concern over writing a series of Letters to Inbal, which was pretty much What if she thinks I’m crazy? And I just looked at him and told him, “look... you are crazy.” And then he paused for a moment, and just went ahead and did it. Because he was... Crazy I mean.

Jacques: Writing the letters to Inbal themselves wasn’t really the main emotional obstacle. It was sending them that really took a lot of effort. I mean, it was then that it really struck you and you were just like: “Oh my God. She might actually read these.” That’s when you really started to panic. Right before you sent out the letters.

Jacques: There’s this really great story from... I think it was Episode 3 he was writing. A really funny thing happened. Jacques was starting out, trying to write a sonnet in Hebrew until he just stopped and was like:
“Wait, I don’t know Hebrew.”
And I was just like “but that’s never stopped you before.”
“I know. I’ll just write it in Italian and convert it into Hebrew.”
“But you don’t know Italian either; and you still don’t know Hebrew.”
But he just wrote it in Italian and converted it into Hebrew anyway. And you know what, it turned out pretty good... I don’t know any Hebrew myself though. But the characters looked very pretty.

Jacques: My favorite Hebrew letter is the one where you clear your throat. It really adds an impending sensuousness to the language as a whole. I also like the notion of tsetse flies.

Jacques: No. But in the end, I think she really appreciate it all. Appreciated, you know, the attention and everything.


Lawyer for Inbal:.....


Suffice it to say that she stopped reading my letters after the first one. Perhaps I should have mentioned that a bit earlier on. Oh well...

The rest of my supplications and ruminations upon her, I suppose, were simply cathartic. Thankfully, because this is the Internet, I can still pretend that she is in fact my girlfriend. Who knows? Perhaps she is.

In any case, I’m still afforded my imagination... and my ability to send romantic messages to myself between my various e-mail addresses. Chances are, she was actually a guy anyway, screwing with people’s minds, just pretending to be a girl. So it’s only rational that I take on that role and handle it a bit more respectfully. After all, who better knows what I want to hear and what will make me happy?

I may have failed at it, but I suppose this just goes to clarify whose attention and affections I was really trying to win all along... My own :)


Or is it FINIS?
No. It’s FINIS.
No, wait, she hates me, it’s FINIS.
Unless she has a sister or clone...
No. It’s FINIS.
Unless I go after that pleasantly gay fellow I mentioned in Part the Third.
Maybe we could just be friends.
Nothing gay.
I’m not gay or anything.
Just friends.
He really had a thing for me...





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